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Thursday, September 7, 2017

Realizations and Lamentations

Today, while eating lunch, I noticed my right hand shaking while I held my spoon. This got me back to thinking about how at one time in my life, I wanted to inking comic book art.

For several years I would find various penciled pieces to download to print for later to work on. I actively reached-out to Image and Marvel for copies of penciled work I could ink and add to my portfolio in hopes of one day actually being able to make some kind of living out of it.

For years I kept searching for a drafting table that could help facilitate my desires. It wasn't until after my divorce that I finally found the table that I had been wanting. I remember seeing it at Michael's when my then fiance and I were shopping for items for our wedding. I remember thinking that it would be great to get it when I had the spare money and a coupon to boot.

Sadly, it was several years after that chance encounter that I just happen to have the money, coupon and it was available at Michael's again. So I took that as a sign and made my purchase.

I brought it home and assembled it. I made space for it, and even acquired a new chair to use at it. I was in heaven at the thought that I could one day get back into the activity that used to help center me when my mind stirred.

I found my pens and the pieces that I had been collecting to practice on. I even printed several of those pieces on card stock similar to Blue Line pages. I was ready to get back to inking. I had the next piece I was eager to work on.

Then the day came when I had time to myself and I could focus on doing some work on the piece. I picked-up my pen. I positioned my magnifying light. I began my first strokes to the art...

And I couldn't draw a straight line to save my life.

It's not like my hands were violently shaking, rather just shaking enough to not be able to hold the pen steady. And this is what I saw today while holding my plastic spoon.

The simple act of feeding myself today brought back the flood of emotions I have gone through. I know that I won't be able to go back to inking again. I now use my drafting table as my computer desk. My micron pens have been sitting in storage for years. They're probably all dried-up and should be thrown away. I still have the penciled images... some even hi-res scans from professional artists... sitting on my computers hard drive. Several of them have also been printed and are in a storage tote somewhere.

I'm glad to have had something that brought a little bit of joy to my life, but I wish it would not have left me.

I felt the need to make sure I wrote this today. I needed to get it off my chest.

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